Overcoming Fears
by thebrunetteone
Summary: Spinelli sits on Old Rusty, contemplating how she has changed and her one and only fear: telling someone something so important it will undoubtedly change her entire future... S/TJ... R
1. Chapter 1

Spinelli sat on top of Old Rusty, watching the sunset. It was a glorious sight, powerful and, somehow, sad. It was yet another ending, like the ending of her years at Third Street Elementary, like the ending of her platonic feelings for TJ. These things, although regular occurrences for all children making the inescapable journey into adulthood, were monumental events for Spinelli. Both presented the daunting journey into the unknown. Now, three years later, Spinelli had already traveled the first road. She had yet to conquer her fear of traveling the second.

Spinelli was tough. She wasn't scared of the small things, like spiders and heights and someone else's fist. But no amount of well-aimed punches and witty insults could prepare her for the road ahead…Nothing could prepare her for love.

It made her feel more grown up than anything. It also made her feel more isolated than anything. This wasn't something she could turn to her friends about. Wryly, she thought that TJ would have been the ideal person to talk to, had it not been for the fact that he was the very subject of her confusion. Gretchen and her books… Surely no book could contain a solution to love itself. Spinelli's thoughts skimmed over her other friends, but what would they say?

_Nothing useful_, an honest voice said in her head.

Spinelli was a person of action, of impulse. Her head knew no patience, and yet, her heart had prevented her from acting on her instincts time and time again…

- flashback –

_TJ was sitting in front of his computer, looking for pictures on the Internet to stick on his Christmas cards. So stubbornly, he insisted that he should make all the cards by hand, almost like he had back in fourth grade. Spinelli, desperate to spend some time alone with her friend, had valiantly offered to help. Four hours later and they were still at it. _

"_Hey, come look here!" TJ exclaimed. This time, Spinelli hoped, he would find something useful. She glanced at the screen._

"_Um, Teej, what am I looking at?" She asked, confused. This was a picture of their class in their first year, neatly lined up. TJ's mouth twitched as he zoomed in on the picture. It was so zoomed in that Spinelli could see the make on Gretchen's glasses. TJ panned to the left, until the mouse rested on someone's small nose. Spinelli groaned and felt herself redden. A booger hung out of the nose, most unattractively. She glared at TJ, growing more and more embarrassed by the second. Her anger flared when he chuckled appreciatively. _

"_TJ! You asswipe!" she yelped, and grasped a fistful of the thick hair on the back of his head._

"_Aaaah! Spinelli! Spinelli, let go, let go!" he begged._

"_Not until you to apologize. Say sorry!" Spinelli ordered. The way TJ wrinkled his nose made her heart soften._

"_Spinelli!" TJ drew out her name. Again, Spinelli's heart softened. She caught sight of the computer screen again, and commanded that TJ apologize._

"_Okay! Okay! I'm sorry." Spinelli tugged a little harder. "Spinelli, I'm really, really sorry." TJ's eye's pierced hers. She let go and told herself to draw her hand back before she made a fool of herself. Of its own accord, her hand drew slowly around to the side of his head, and stroked its way onto his jaw bone. Blood thumped in her ears. If she lifted his chin a bit, she could lean down and press her lips to his. Just quickly. Just to feel it. But then she came to her senses, and rapidly turned away, seating herself out of reach, before her body could ruin her entire friendship for her._

- end flashback –

She still wondered if he had noticed that her hand had lingered on his jaw for far too long. It pained her to think he had. It pained her even more to wonder what he had been thinking at that very moment. Her patience was going as quickly as it had come. This wasn't a case of her head overpowering her heart; it was a case of her heart becoming so consumed by TJ that she could barely stand talking to him for fear of letting those three words slip from her mouth.

The street lights flashed on, awakening Spinelli from her reverie. It was time to get home. She hopped off Old Rusty and gave her old playground a last, longing glance. It had been good to come here one more time; she hadn't stepped onto the playground for almost three years. It reminded her of the Spinelli who, in all fairness, had been braver. _That_ Spinelli had let everyone know her feelings, whether they were welcome or not. That Spinelli, although young and inexperienced, would have told her to get her act together and _do something_. Spinelli shivered. Perhaps it was time to do something, she thought as she clambered over the fence. It was a Wednesday evening, and she should be focusing on her soccer match the next day, not lamenting over her younger self.

Once again she was startled, this time by loud voices at the end of the street. She turned to look at the sources of the voices. Three figures were parting, two heading off towards Second Street, while a third waved goodbye. As the figure turned, Spinelli gulped. TJ.

_It's Wednesday, he had football practice. Do something!_ She thought urgently. _Do something._ Yes, she should do something. She should be doing something, not waiting around.

"Hey! TJ!" she called. Her brain was furiously working to silence her, but her heart was cheering her on loudly. TJ approached her, wiping his hand across his forehead.

"Hey Spinelli! What're you doing here?" he gestured towards the playground. Spinelli followed his hand with her eyes. A strong hand, a gentle hand, it could so easily keep hers warm. _Do something_, she told herself.

"I was… just remembering. Thinking, really. I miss it here," she told him. He nodded understandingly.

"Yeah, I know, I do, too." Spinelli bit her lip.

"Let's, um, walk," she suggested. _Ugh! So lame. Get your act together!_ She scolded herself.

They turned and walked on in silence. Spinelli looked up at the sky, the darkness. Mikey had once told her that fearing the dark was fearing the unknown. Spinelli wasn't afraid of the dark… Yet she feared telling TJ, therefore, she was scared of the unknown. An image of the younger Spinelli flared into her mind. _"Don't be pathetic, you chicken! You're not afraid of the dark. You're not afraid of anything!"_ Spinelli breathed in sharply. She turned her head to TJ, who wore an expression of absolute peace. Drawing from this, she opened her mouth.

"Teej…" her voice caressed his name. She bit her lip as he looked at her.

"Yeah?"

"You know when I said I was thinking on Old Rusty?" she posed.

"Yup?" he looked entirely clueless, nonplussed.

"Well, I… I was thinking about something I wanted to tell you…" she let her voice trail off. Would he guess now what she wanted to say? Surely he already knew, surely he was trying to tell her his feelings weren't the same by pretending to be oblivious.

"Yeah, what?" TJ's eyes met hers, inquisitive hazel, mesmerizing. Spinelli almost backed out then. She would lose this if he didn't feel the same. She couldn't read his emotions through his eyes, and it made her even more nervous, yet, somehow, made her want to tell him even more. She steeled herself. No more fearing the unknown. She was finally stepping onto the second road, taking her first step on this last journey.

"I love you."


	2. Chapter 2

"Detweiler!" Coach called. TJ puffed over to the coach, hoping that the coach wasn't about to grill him for the stunt he had just pulled. Nervously, he attempted to flatten his unruly hair. It was so unlike Coach's severe buzz cut. Coach chuckled as TJ's hand collided with the plastic of his helmet instead.

_Argh! Crap. _TJ winced mentally.

"Yes, Coach?" He looked the coach straight in the eye; it was unlike TJ to be disrespectful even when he was self-conscious.

"That stunt you pulled there was highly unconventional. Highly unconventional. Any other player would have broken his neck. Very risky, very risky. Well done," he barked, and dismissed TJ with a stern nod. TJ grinned and walked into the changing rooms. A couple of his teammates grinned at him and one or two clapped him on the back. Receiving compliments from Coach was indeed a rare occurrence. Feeling satisfied, TJ hauled himself into the shower.

Ten minutes later, TJ left the changing room with Paul and Farley, who walked a similar route to him. He found himself drifting away from their conversation about their French paper. French wasn't a subject he took and he had little interest in it. The setting sun cast a harmonious glow in the air, the sort of thing TJ liked to watch from the top of his roof. He recalled one memorable time when he had crawled out of his parents' bedroom window onto the roof with Spinelli. Uncharacteristically, her brow was smooth, and the little dimple on the side of her mouth that appeared when she angry had departed. She had laughed a lot; more than usual, and her face was radiant. It seemed that that afternoon was too far away: lately Spinelli was overcome by volatile mood swings. She would carelessly laugh and then suddenly frown, withdrawing into herself. TJ could make no sense of it, and it concerned him. He was worried about her, but every time he voiced his concern she would say that he wouldn't understand…

- flashback –

_Spinelli doodled aimlessly in her History notebook. To the unpracticed eye, this behavior was characteristic for her, but TJ saw how her left fist was clenched, and her mouth pulled down, forming a dimple on her left cheek. _

_As the bell rang, TJ tapped her arm._

"_What's wrong, Spin?" She stared at him with a troubled expression._

"_Nothing." He wished she wouldn't lie._

"_Don't lie, I know something's wrong…"_

_She smiled falsely._

"_Nothing's wrong, TJ. If there was, you wouldn't get it anyway." _

"_TJ!" Gretchen touched his shoulder. "Want to come to Kelso's later?" TJ spun around to answer her before Spinelli could get away, but before his mouth even opened, he heard someone stomp out of the classroom. He didn't need to turn to see who it was._

- end flashback –

If Spinelli would just tell him what was going on, he could help her. TJ could think of only one cause for those abominable mood swings: guy-trouble. And, as likely as this was, he was in utter denial about it. She was being so stupid about everything. Gretchen, on the other hand, talked about things. _She_ didn't bottle it all up and try and work it out with a fist and a soccer ball.

_Yeah, but if it was Gretchen on the roof that day, seeing _her_ laugh wouldn't have been nearly as nice_, TJ thought. It was true. Making Spinelli happy was something he enjoyed immensely; whereas making Gretchen smile was run-of-the-mill. He supposed that if Gretchen was his best friend it would have been the other way around.

He shook his head as if to clear it, and heard Paul and Farley's loud voices charged into his head. Absently looking around, he caught sight of a strange figure doing something that made him want to play detective. He felt a sense of excitement fill him, as if he was a five year old.

"Hey, guys, I'm gonna head off here… See ya 'round," he said to Paul and Farley. They bade him farewell and he waved, turning into a street he knew better than the back of his hand. He had spied a small figure climbing over the fence of Third Street Elementary. It intrigued him that the figure was too big to have been some kid who left his yo-yo on the playground. He squinted forward when a familiar voice cried:

"Hey! TJ!"

Spinelli? What was _she _doing there? As he walked towards her he wiped his hand across his forehead, hoping that no sweat lingered there, before remembering that he had showered. He grinned as he took in the tatty orange ski cap she had pulled over her hair. He remembered that.

"Hey Spinelli! What're you doing here?" _Something that makes you happy, I hope_… he thought slightly bitterly.

"I was… just remembering. Thinking, really. I miss it here." TJ nodded. He got that. He also missed the simplicity of elementary school. Good guys fight bad guys and everyone's happy in the end. He missed pranking daily and he missed messing around at recess, not sitting at tables in some dumb white cafeteria.

"Yeah, I know, I do, too," he said. Maybe Spinelli would smile now, remembering the good times when – no, she bit her lip instead. So she had something on her mind. TJ was determined to find out this time. Maybe being back at her old school had made her realize that she was being stupid about not telling him.

"Let's, um, walk," Spinelli said in a peculiar voice. She sounded hesitant. He looked over at her, expecting the dimple and frown, but instead found her gazing up at the night sky, a thoughtful, inquisitive look on her upturned face. TJ relaxed. _This_ was Spinelli. Momentarily satisfied, he let his thoughts drift off; remembering a certain time when he and Vince had pulled a prank on –

"Teej…" Spinelli said softly. He turned to her.

"Yeah?"

"You know when I said I was thinking on Old Rusty?"

"Yup?"

"Well, I… I was thinking about something I wanted to tell you…" Relief washed through him. No more worrying about what was eating her. Surely he could help her; she'd be happy again.

"Yeah, what?" He asked lightly. Myriad expressions seemed to cross her twilit face at once, and then one blazing look took over.

"I love you." TJ felt himself blink. He felt strangely disembodied, as if he couldn't control his limbs. For a moment, there was silence while he attempted to make sense of the situation. Was he sweating? No, no, he had just showered.

"Uhm," he grunted. He didn't know what to say. Within some part of him, his chest he thought, a great creature seemed to be hooting in delight. And then suddenly the creature's monstrous joy consumed him and he grabbed Spinelli by the shoulders, planting a kiss on her bewildered lips. He let her go, smiling so widely he thought his cheeks might pop.

"Um…" he said, and to his surprise, heat flooded to his cheeks. Spinelli looked flustered, but her eyes were shining brightly as if two stars were captured within them.

"I... I love you, too. Always," he said giddily.

Then he took her small hand in his and walked her home, all the time smiling at her glowing face.


End file.
